There are so many things going on in my life right now.
I got a promotion at work. I’m very happy – I think I worked pretty hard for it and I am going to be my best. I wasn’t 100% sure it was coming and I had pretty much convinced myself that I was moving back home should I not get it. So when I got it, that threw any plans for moving back home out the window. Part of me is glad – part of me doesn’t want to give up and wants to make it work here. Part of me is sad – part of me loved the idea of going back to the comforts of home…friends, family, familiar places and faces. My friends are my security blanket, silly as that sounds. But since I don’t have the significant other, the children, the family here, or anything like that – my friends back home are that for me. So watching that wisp of hope evaporate was a little heartbreaking. But – trying to stay positive – thinking about my new position, the things I’ll learn, the way I’ll grow here and the roots I’ll plant and such filled me with a different kind of hope.
For a while before I got the promotion, I had been in a very unhappy place. I was and wanted to be in a very small crawlspace, barely peeking out at the world going on around me. I wanted nothing to do with it. I may have been/be going through a bout of depression, which is understandable considering what’s happened in the past year. A huge break up, a few family deaths, a sudden relocation, my boss leaving shortly after starting – it’s a lot of stress. So, a few months ago I basically fell off the face of the earth. I’m not all the way back, but I’m getting there. I stopped talking to family and friends, quit returning phone calls, e-mails, text messages. Stopped getting together with my friends up here as much. I curled up into a little ball. And I was fine with it. We all have those times. Some of us are able to accommodate them and some of us don’t have that luxury. I have that luxury except when it comes to work. No matter how I’m feeling on the inside, I have to be professional, helpful and nice when it comes to my job. For the most part, I think a lot of us have to be like that. Fake it. So, I’m trying to come out of that place. It’s getting easier each day to not cry as much before I go to bed. It’s getting easier to make an effort to not think about things that might make me sad during the day (and thus starting the waterworks again). I’ve thought a lot about why I’m so sad. Is it because I came up here and things didn’t turn out at all like I thought they would? Is it because my world got flipped upside down and I had to deal with it so fast? Is it because I don’t have the comforts of anyone I know up here from back home? Is it because I no longer have that confidant, that significant other to share my feelings and joys with? I thought I was just homesick. And then I did a serious analysis of myself and have a sneaking suspicion that even if I were back home, I’d be sad for some other reason. Actually, I know the reason. It’s haunted me for the past 5 years and won’t go away. It hasn’t even faded. I will live with it for the rest of my life. One wonderful thing about having someone special in your life is that it helps keep your mind off those regrets you have…those things you wish you could change, but you will live with now. Because you don’t have a choice. But having someone special distracts you….and eases the pain. When you’re alone, all you do is think. Think about coulda, woulda, shoulda. Maybe everyone doesn’t do that, but I certainly do. I’m a masochist, but not on purpose. I just miss certain things that used to be in my life. I think that has contributed a lot to my feelings lately.
I met a guy. I like to call him Mud. 🙂 He’s very nice, but. Why did I say “but”? I always say “but.” I’m not a negative person. I don’t think I’m a pessimist. I don’t *think* I am. Am I? I make a concerted effort not to be. So, he’s nice. He treats me well. He treats me like a queen when we’re together. It’s the when we’re not together part that I’m having a hard time with. We’re not together a lot. It’s only been a few weeks and I do not want to rush into anything, nor does he. But he’s not like anyone I’ve ever gone out with (and by anyone, I’m still comparing everyone to you-know-who). You know that book “He’s Just Not That Into You”? I know I over analyze. I’m not going to blame it on being a woman, although that is a good excuse. lol. I just over analyze. And I’ve done my best not to do that this time. I’ve made so many mistakes in the past. I’m trying to do it right this time. Take it slow, get to really know each other, see where it goes. So far, so good. Except that it’s painfully slow. For me. For what I want. I mean, I’ve done it wrong in the past…met some great person, hit it off, see each other nearly every night after that (while in lust) and then it calms down and you slip into a nice place. But this guy is nearly identical to me in that he loves his “alone” or “me” time. And he likes a lot of it. More than me! And I fit in there somewhere…not sure where…somewhere between the “me” time and the dogs. I’m not complaining….yet. And I don’t want to complain period. I like him, I like where this is going, but I can’t figure out how to even get to know each other if we see each other once a week, if that. I am just new to this slow, slow thing. I think that may be the norm for other people…dating once a week or so for a while to see if you mesh. But what is that threshold? When does it change? I’m not saying I want to see him every night, but there are nights when I need someone to talk to and he’s the one I want. I don’t feel like he makes himself terribly available or can commit when I ask him to do something. I may be just over analyzing again. This time I can’t tell. This one is a strange one. A mysterious bird that I can’t figure out, although he will call me out on stuff quickly and openly. He’s honest and I like that. He’s been alone for quite a while…I know this is all new to him again. I’m grateful I was the lucky girl he chose. I feel like that means something. But what? It’s just odd. When we’re together, it’s amazing. So amazing. And when we’re not, we barely speak. I don’t get it. I’m used to at least talking to someone, letting them know I’m thinking about them or miss them (not overboard, just some), doing sweet stuff for them secretly, and they usually act that way toward me. But not him. And it’s driving me crazy. I really don’t think that he’s that kind of guy (sadly…for me). And I know there are some. And I shouldn’t focus on what’s wrong with him (or rather, what I call “wrong”), but rather what’s RIGHT with him. And I do. All the time. I tell him what’s right with him. It’s just that we don’t ever do it when we’re apart. And since we’re apart most of the time, it weighs heavy on my heart.
I also need a friend. That person that I can tell anything to. I have my girls, but I mean that special person in your life. And I don’t know if he’s that kind of person. He doesn’t come across that way to me, but maybe it’s just too early. I’m definitely still getting to know him. I’m very open, very honest about how I feel. If I’m sad, I’ll tell you – I have no problem with that. It’s just that I don’t know if he wants to know or cares. I know he cares about me, but I don’t know if we’re to that place where he cares about what’s bothering me. It’s all very gray. And I need that. Unfortunately, I need it now. It would help so much. It would be so nice. I had that confidant in all my exes. They were my best friends. They cared about me, they understood when I was upset and wanted me to talk to them about it – they would instigate the conversation if necessary (and I with them). I don’t know that he would. And I need that. In my life, in a relationship. It’s all very fluffy right now – great on the surface, having fun, hanging out. And I suppose that’s the way it should be in the beginning, right? But, as a female who has been through the ringer and back and knows exactly what she wants and isn’t ready to waste time on people who aren’t looking for the same things I am, I want more. I may want too much too soon. I may have watched too many romantic movies growing up. But I’ve had it. It’s real. I would like it again. That may be a lot to ask, but I’m asking anyway. Because I know God’s listening.