Sherri Ross

I’m normally a pretty level person emotionally on a day-to-day basis (I think and hope). I try to be upbeat and smiling. Lately, not so much. Things have been happening in my personal life to irk me to no end. And they just keep coming…nit…pick…nit…pick…a little here, a little there. They are mostly trivial and mundane, but they just keep happening and adding up.

There are some aspects of my life that are still as great and wonderful as ever – work is steady, challenging and rewarding. I work with the best group of people. But inside, something is not quite right.

I always miss my friends and family back home. Always. I miss them more at times like this..when I’m struggling internally with finances, boy problems or who I am. I miss my “security blanket” that is my Alabama girls. (that was so grammatically incorrect on so many levels, I’m sure)

I don’t understand guys. That much is known. I wish I did. I’ve had enough experience…you’d think I would know a thing or two. But I don’t. Or either I’m just not meant to be with someone for the rest of my life. I’m sure I am – I’m an eternal romantic and an optimist. I think everyone has and deserves someone (if they want it). I do. I want it. Why can’t I get it right? Or am I just thinking too much again and need to leave things be? I don’t know…this time it seems the “unsettled” feeling is sticking. Unfortunately.

I’m sure I’m just in a funk right now and all will be well if quit picking at the scab. This should be a very happy day and weekend for me. I’m throwing a party for a friend and we’re celebrating basically all weekend. But I’m having a hard time getting and being happy when I’m so sad on the inside. It hurts my heart. The blatant disregard for my feelings. I probably deserve it – I haven’t been a peach to be with lately. But, I try to live by the motto that I give what I get. Maybe it’s deeper than that. But I feel justified. And sad. And lonely.

First Person (shortest song in history – 40 seconds)
by Jenny Owen Youngs

What’s the worst thing
That could happen
We find out that we really don’t quite fit
But on the flip side
We could be just right
And sure, there’s the chance that we’ll both end up
Broken and split
But that’s my kind of risk

I’m not trying to make you think this is some kind of great big deal
I just know exactly how you feel

(looking at my last past from 4 days ago…my, that was a fast crash on my part)

I’m the world’s worst about writing in it, even though I feel better when I do.

Let’s see…what’s happened since January? Um, EVERYTHING! Not really, I exaggerate.

My birthday was wonderful (what I remember of it). Mamma Lucia’s, Jimmy’s and maybe something in between or after – I can’t recall. Then it was off to Ocean City, MD with my man for another birthday celebration. Lovely weather, lovely company and lovely scenery – I can’t get enough of the ocean.

March brought his birthday and we went to Atlantic City for that. Fun times there, too.

There were nights with the faves in between all that and many memories made.

I went to Lake Tahoe, NV and San Francisco a few weeks ago. That was a feat in itself – me on 4 planes. But hey, I made it and it was amazing. There are pics on Facebook if you’re so inclined.

This week is a big week – the birthday of a bestest! We’re having happy hour on Friday and a party on Saturday and then off to Jimmy’s. Fun will surely be had by all. I was busy this past weekend cleaning up and will be doing that all week. Yay!

Things in my life are going well. More interesting anecdotes and updates to come, but that’s me in a nutshell. Twittering and Facebooking all over the place.

And SCENE. 🙂

Hope passed away. I didn’t know what to say so, asked my friend J if I could share her words with you and the beautiful video she made for Hope’s memorial. You can find it here:

http://rainwaterandchickens.blogspot.com/2009/01/hope.html

Thank you to J for letting me share this. And thank you to Hope for touching my life. You are missed.

I am back. From moving apartments in record time, from driving to Alabama, visiting, driving back and being sick in record time, and so much more.

Let’s see…I moved and essentially just changed apartments the weekend before Christmas. I had one week to do it and it got DONE thanks to the help of many wonderful friends and Boyfriend. After the crazy move, I had 3 days before leaving for Alabama. Nuts. I packed up Millie and myself, hopped in the car and started the 12-hour trek to Alabamy. We stopped for the night in TN and got into Wetumpka early Christmas afternoon. I begged dad to go to Waffle House since a) I hadn’t eaten anything all day, b) it was the only thing open, and c) we don’t have them here. He said no. lol. He wanted to save that $5.85 for an All-Star Breakfast and make some French toast. Ok. Deal. We ate French toast. Then, later that night, I met Marcus at Waffle House for coffee and got my All-Star breakfast! The rest of the trip was a whirlwind of visiting friends and family. I got to see all my friends in Montgomery (and the surrounding areas) and then got to go to B’ham one day and see all those guys and gals. It was a very fast, very hectic trip, but well worth it. I didn’t get to spend nearly the time I wanted with everyone, but it made me very happy to see all my friends and family at Christmas. I know it was rushed, but thank you for making time. I’m sorry I didn’t get to see everyone I wanted to (J), but we’ll catch up next time. 🙂 I had no idea you were in the big “A”. That is such a nice area – growing up so fast. I think everyone is moving out there. lol.

Christmas and New Year’s were both uneventful. I slept on New Year’s Eve because I was heading back to VA the next day. I left AL a few days early because I was sick and in hopes of getting some of my apartment unpacked. Since I was sick, that didn’t happen. I mostly just laid on the couch and sneezed/wiped my nose. Oh well. I have the rest of the year to unpack, right?

I think about Hope pretty much everyday now. I was driving home on New Year’s day and I was going through the mountains of North Carolina. John Mayer’s “Say” came on the iPod and I turned a corner and saw the most breathtaking view of the mountains in the distance…the sun just starting to set. I listened to the words. I kept stealing glances at the view. I started crying. These words got to me: “Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken, Even as the eyes are closing, Do it with a heart wide open.” I thought about Hope and her husband. I thought about her children. I thought about her never getting to see what I saw that day – the beauty of the mountains and the earth. I am not sure why I am so affected by Hope and her story. I am not sure why I just start crying and I can’t stop. I had to pull over that day. I figured I would get a little upset and be ok, but I just started sobbing like someone punched me in the heart. I thought for sure she was gone and I just didn’t know yet. But she’s not. She’s still hanging on. I told Liz about her when I was visiting and we both started bawling away. Anyway, pray for the family. And, corny as it may sound, listen to John Mayer:

Say
by John Mayer

Take all of your wasted honor
Every little past frustration
Take all of your so-called problems
Better put them in quotations

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Walking like a one man army
Fighting with the shadows in your head
Living out the same old moment
Knowing you’d be better off instead
If you could only

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Have no fear for giving in
Have no fear for giving over
You better know that in the end
It’s better to say too much
Than never to say what you need to say again

Even if your hands are shaking
And your faith is broken
Even as the eyes are closing
Do it with a heart wide open

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to
Say what you need to

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say

Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
Say what you need to say
(Fade)

I was in bed asleep and woke up..for whatever reason. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was thinking about Hope. I figured the only way I’m getting back to sleep is to get it off my chest.

Hope is a friend of a friend. Now, since she’s not actually my friend – more of an acquaintance I’ve come to know through pictures from this friend and her blog – I will not say too much about the details of her personal life.

I “met” Hope a few years ago after her battle with breast cancer. I believe it was after…my mind is foggy these days. I read Hope’s story when our mutual friend shared “Hope for the Ta-Tas” – Hope’s fund raising drive for breast cancer. I was glad to donate and Hope donated to my cause later that year. The only correspondence I’ve ever had with Hope were the two “thank you” letters/e-mails exchanged during those donation periods. Still, reading about Hope and her story inspired me then and still does. She has been through so much for someone her age – Hope just turned 36.

I found out recently that the cancer has returned. They did surgery. Hope is no longer able to speak. She has gone through so much and is done fighting. They can’t do anything else for her except make her comfortable and she’s going home to be with her family. Her family is her amazing husband and her 2 little boys. Hope is going home Monday to live the rest of her life.

Her husband, Jake, posted a tribute to Hope on her blog….while she’s still here to read it. I made the mistake of reading it today at work. I don’t think I’ve ever cried so hard for someone I’ve never met. Tonight, I remembered I had. I was a Chemo Angel to a little boy, via mail, a few years ago. He passed away and I lost it. I cried as if he were my own. I cried the same way for Hope today. I know there will be plenty of time to cry later and I’m sure we (even those who don’t know her) should be rejoicing in the fact that she’s still with us, she’s still able to share her love and courage with those around her. But I cried because it’s so sad…it’s so sad that Hope is only 36, it’s so sad that the love of her life has to watch her go through this, it’s so sad that she has 2 beautiful little boys who may never understand what is happening. It’s so sad that something like this has happened to someone I’ve come to know as kind, warm, funny, compassionate, and stronger than most of us put together.

I’m praying for Hope. And hope.