Jul
2015

Fear Doesn’t Take a Holiday

categories: fear

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I have thanatophobia. For those who don’t know it’s an insane, irrational fear of death. I know death is looming and the thought can paralyze me in an instant if I’m not careful. I’ve had hundreds of panic attacks thinking about life as I know it ending and trying to rationalize it in my head. It never works. My belief in God says it’s not supposed to, but I keep trying like an idiot.

I’ve learned to live with the fear, though I do try to talk to professionals about it if gets overwhelming. But it also means I have taken only one trip on an airplane in the last 10 years. I used to love flying, long before anxiety and fear kicked in and crippled me. I drive everywhere now – even across the country. And yes, I know that driving is more dangerous than flying, but apparently I’d rather die on the road than falling out of the sky. Thanatophobia also manifests itself into many other fears that control my days. I’m terribly skittish, nearly hitting the ground if I hear a loud bang or if someone just surprises me. I scream bloody murder, ask my husband. I once went to a shooting range and before I even got settled into a lane, I heard someone shoot and came flying out, crying. It scared me….nearly to death.

All that to say this, fear doesn’t take a holiday. Not today, on this day we celebrate the freedom afforded to us by our ancestors and those who have served and are serving to help keep us free and safe. I will hear fireworks tonight and, because I know the holiday, I will watch with child-like happiness at their beauty. I will not be afraid because I can see them and I know they are coming. But my fear is still there and it can hit at any time, even today.

I decided on January 1 of this year that I was going to work hard to take control back from fear. I was turning 40 this year and it was a perfect time to change my path. I want to travel. I want to naturally be calm and relaxed. I want to be my authentic self, not controlled by fear. To that end, I made a list to myself of a few things I was going to do this year to help me take my freedom back.

  1. “Walk This Way” The fear of heights is strong in this one and hubby challenged me last year to walk around Vulcan one time to prove to myself that I could. I tried one other time, a few years ago, and couldn’t let go of the stone wall inner core in order to move; I barely made it across the walkway from the elevator to the observation deck of Vulcan. I’m happy to report that we went by Vulcan earlier this year on a whim and I did it! It was glorious.
  2. “Big Jet Airliner” I surprised hubby when I told him earlier this year that I WAS getting on a plane to somewhere this year. Well, that somewhere happens to be Las Vegas for work in October. I’m excited because it will be my first trip to Vegas, but I’m already having panic attacks about it. “I think I can, I think I can, I think I can.”
  3. “Just Like a Tattoo” I have always wanted a tattoo. ALWAYS. My mother even took me to get one when I was much younger and I chickened out because the artist said it would hurt. A few months ago, again on a whim, hubby and I decided we would get tattoos. It hurt like crazy, but I wasn’t scared for some reason. And I love it! I am so happy I finally did it.
  4. “Bootylicious” I am ENTIRELY too bootylicious, as in I have way too much booty going on, along with too much of everything else. To help with that, I started working out, discovered an awesome new fitness class I am loving, and will be finally starting yoga in the next few weeks. I’m most excited about the yoga to help me calm down, control my energy and body with learning how to breathe properly, and get stronger inside and out. I am grateful for this new adventure with Melissa Scott Yoga.
  5. “Off With Her Head, er, Hair!” I’ve gone back and forth on this for years. My hair is nice, but boy, does it make me hot (ie. SWEAT). It drives me bonkers. I’ve always wanted super short hair and have veered away from it my entire adult life. I’ve cut it short, but not nearly as short as I want. I recently cut off 11 inches to donate, also hoping it would cool me off some. That’s a negative, Ghost Rider. Inspired by some very sassy, sexy lady friends who recently shaved it all off, I’ve decided to chop some more off. No, I’m not going GI Jane – I can’t because of my job, though I wish sometimes I could just for the sheer coolness of it (literal coolness, not figurative). But I will be sporting a cut somewhere between my super crazy woman crush Lindsay and this when I get done.

This all goes back to taking MY freedom back from fear. Forty seems like the perfect age to get it together, do what I’ve always wanted, and be my authentic self. This year is MY year…in so many ways. I am blessed beyond measure and thank God everyday for that. Will this be your year, too? What will you be doing to take back your freedom from distractions or things that hold you back? What are you already doing to be your authentic self?


Jul
2015

My New Obsession In the Dark

categories: fitness

SOL Dance Experience

Last night I had the best time in the dark. I went to a new fitness “class” called SOL Dance Experience. The web site describes SOL as “a LIGHTS OUT, free-form, hour-long Dance Experience for women of all fitness levels. Come find your light in the dark.”

I first heard about the experience from a fellow member of the Birmingham Girls Club. She left one of our meetings a little early one day to go try out this new dance class she’d heard about. I was immediately intrigued and asked for a recap. She told me later how much she loved it and it prompted me to check it out to possibly set up a private class for the Girls Club.

I wasn’t sure what to expect and was really quite nervous at that the thought of being in a completely dark room with total strangers for an hour. I don’t normally have high anxiety about those things or claustrophobia; it was more the unknown that freaked me out. Laura Gaines, the teacher and creator of SOL, greeted me with a huge smile and hug. She explained the “fireflies” on the floor – little bits of glow-in-the-dark tape placed throughout the room that help you know where your “space” is during the class. She also gave us instructions on how to get to the bathroom and exits, should we need it. You do have to sign a short waiver for the class, like most fitness regimens, so be sure to read it carefully. While there are no strobe lights or anything, it can get a bit unnerving adjusting to total darkness for the first few songs.

The ladies in the class welcomed me with open arms and prepared me for the fun time that was about to ensue. After Laura’s husband, Latham, finished putting up blackout curtains, we were asked to put cell phones on silent and away (completely, so they wouldn’t light up) and to cover Fitbits and other fitness watches with pieces of black tape she provided. Laura likes the time and space to be completely free from distractions so you can be your authentic self and move and feel however you like.

The lights went out and the music started. After slowly adjusting to the darkness and my “circle of power,” I finally let loose. I cannot begin to tell you how much fun I had! Every dance move you ever wanted to try was open to you. Every artist you ever wanted to imitate was available. Every song you ever wanted to try to sing you could. It was like the greatest karaoke bar and concert I never went to. You could sing to the upbeat, fun, dance songs and no one could hear you – the music was too loud. You could clap and yell and feed off each other’s energy even though you couldn’t see each other. Last night I busted out my Beyonce, Britney, Bruno, Tina, Elvis, Napoleon Dynamite, Carlton Banks, and even the Macarena (don’t tell anyone!). So many artists and movements popped out of me while I danced; I tried everything I had ever wanted to, but was too afraid for fear someone would see me and laugh.

Besides the amazing music selection, the other thing I loved about the class was that I could take a break any time I wanted and no one saw or judged. I get overheated pretty quickly and easily, so I took small breaks to catch my breath. I normally hate doing that in a class full of people because it’s so conspicuous. In this class, I could stop and let my feet or lungs rest any time I wanted and then get right back to it. Confession: I also got super sweaty and even took off my top for a few minutes to cool off. NO ONE KNEW!

The experience was completely out of my comfort zone and I almost left early on because of the darkness and anxiety that I felt not being able to see anything. But I took a few deep breaths, calmed my nerves, focused on my firefly, and the music took over. By the end of the evening, I had forgotten all about my fears earlier and couldn’t imagine not doing this as much as possible. I’m hooked!

Laura and her husband got the idea for SOL after living in New Zealand and going to a rave dancing with about 100 other people with glow sticks in the dark. She has always been a body movement advocate and loved the energy from the free form dancing. She brought the experience to Birmingham a few months ago and last night’s class was the 8th one she’s hosted. They are currently held every Tuesday evening from 7:30pm – 8:45 pm at Embody Practice Center on Montclair Road. The cost is $5 for first timers and $10 per class after that with discounts offered on multi-class packages. She’s planning on adding a Thursday evening class beginning in August. You can find out more information about SOL Experience and RSVP on their website at http://soldancex.com.

On the SOL Experience Facebook page, Laura recently wrote, “Tonight, after an amazing SOL Session, I realize part of the magic. At 7:30pm, women gather in the room. Some know each other, some are actual friends, most have never met. There’s chit chat, often nervous, unsure of what’s to come. Then, the lights go out, the music starts and each woman sets out on her own journey. In the darkness, liberated from any judgments, she is free to become whatever she wants. As the hour passes, the individual gets stronger. Confidence soars, endorphins rush. When the lights come back up, this group of individuals, now bonded by this unique experience, emerges as a tribe. Thank you, my tribe of SOL mates. I feel stronger for having danced with you.”

That describes it perfectly. I hope to NOT see you at SOL Dance Experience soon!


May
2015

Her Last Words

categories: Uncategorized

I play an online game called Hay Day. It’s a lot like Farmville, but for whatever reason, I like it better. I’m not addicted to it, but I do enjoy playing it – keeping my crops going on my farm, keeping the animals alive, producing food for the local neighborhood, etc. I know, I know..it’s nuts and a time suck, but sometimes we just need mindless fun.

Hay Day introduced “neighborhoods” to the game about a year ago, which you can join with other strangers – or friends if you know they are playing too – and form one large team to complete challenges, help each other out, and just work toward a common goal. We all know how I like to be a part of something bigger, so I immediately joined a team called “Always Helping Others.” It felt like a good fit.

Hay Day released a new chat feature with the roll out of the neighborhoods and we were able to talk to other players for the first time. I quickly learned that some of the other neighbors in our ‘hood were related – a few mother/daughter relations, a son/mother combo, and I got Daniel to join our neighborhood so there was a couple in there too. I met Preston, a young man who had started his farm not long ago. A child, actually. His grandmother – Granny Jean – also had a farm in our neighborhood and kept a good eye on “Preston’s Farm” while he played. Sometimes Preston’s mom, Anita, would get on and play in Preston’s place – especially if she had some down time or was bored. Helen became a familiar neighbor and she, along with her daughter Justina, had the best sales on their farms – selling hard to make and find things like jams, candy, and lobsters. There were a few more neighbors with family relations in our neighborhood and we all got to know each other pretty well. We never talked outside of Hay Day and didn’t know each other personally, but became friends nonetheless. When there was bad weather in certain parts of the country or the world, we would be sure to check on each other to make sure all was well. When someone was sick or had a death in the family, we offered as much support as possible online from a stranger.

Not long after we met Anita – Granny’s daughter – she told us she was in remission from cancer. We were glad to hear it, but it still hit hard that one of our sweet neighbors had been sick. Shortly thereafter Anita was in the hospital again for chemo. We all did what we could to support her, Granny, and her little Preston online, but it never felt like enough. We even offered to send her hats to keep her head warm when her hair fell out, but didn’t get them to her before she was released from the hospital and we didn’t want to dare ask for a home address. We were strangers, after all. Whenever we did see her playing online, we chatted her up, checked on her, and sent lots of love and prayers her way. It was so good to see her online. We rallied around her during all this and spelled out ‘Get Well’ messages on our farms in plots of land to let her know we were thinking of her if she happened to visit our farm.

About a month ago Anita got sick again and went back to the hospital. Granny let us know and we prayed and prayed. Anita’s farm sat dormant for little Preston wasn’t playing anymore either. Granny told us week before last that Anita passed away. I cried so hard for this woman I never met. For this woman whose loving mother kept us updated on her even as she watched her baby girl leave this world. For this women whose children will grow up without their sweet mom. For this woman who touched me in ways I can’t explain with her amazing attitude and love for all even though she was in pain and dying. I never met her, but I loved her.

I cannot imagine what Granny is going through. Again, we did what we could and let her know how sorry we were, how much we adored Anita, and that we were praying for the whole family, especially Anita’s little boys. Some of us created little crosses of flowers with a headstone on our farms to offer our love. Others spelled out ‘RIP’ on their farms.

I hadn’t visited Anita’s farm since she passed. I couldn’t. I went there tonight by accident – clicking too fast through the neighborhood. When I saw what was written, I lost it. I never met her. I never knew her. But I loved her. More than she could know. And she loved us too.

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Apr
2015

It All Comes Back Around

categories: Uncategorized

Firstly, let me apologize for my lengthy hiatus from you beautiful people. I took the month of March off from social media and the like for a huge project at work. I came back in April a bit, but really enjoyed the break so just extended it a little bit more. Sometimes we need a break from all the digital to just get back to our roots. I loved reading, writing, exploring, and talking over coffee with friends during the break. What have YOU been up to? I’m anxious to hear all about it!

Secondly, life hits you like a ton of bricks sometimes. Just the realizations that hit you in the middle of the night. Earlier this week, my wonderful, younger husband had a problem. It wasn’t a huge problem, but it was significant to him and has worried him greatly over the past year or so. We’ve talked about it a few times over the year, but really got to the meat of the issue earlier this week and came up with a game plan to help resolve it.

It hit me as I was lying in bed later that night how full circle life can truly be. I had the same issue when I was younger – about his age, as a matter of fact. I felt exactly like my husband felt – scared, anxious, worried, bothered. I was married to my first husband at the time and recall having the same conversations with him, including the final BIG one where we laid everything out, came up with a game plan, and started working on fixing it instead of me continuing to avoid it and hoping it went away. I understand exactly what my husband is going through and it felt so surreal being on the other end of the equation and being the one to offer him help. While I hate the situation (did back then and still do now), I am grateful that I went through it so that I had a good idea of how to handle it this time around. I’m amazed at the life lessons learned from it that I’m now able to help my dear husband learn. I don’t consider myself old in the least, but wow, I’m definitely seasoned and am truly thankful for it.

As I continue to grow in this relationship, I’m finding more and more examples of playing the older, sometimes more mature, partner. It’s absolutely mind blowing to me in many aspects, but a huge comfort too in dealing with “the younger me.” We all go through it, we all hope to learn from it, and I’m glad to say I did. Now I’m passing that knowledge on. Wow, who would have guessed I would be an actual decently savvy grown up? Not me! 🙂

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