It’s been six months since we said goodbye.
I didn’t leave the house for the first five or six days save a session with my therapist. She was great – very empathetic and said just enough, but not too much. Just sat there when I needed to just sit there.
Back to the subject….you. My baby girl. I likely won’t remember what happened years from now so I’m writing it down.
About 2:30 a.m. one Saturday morning you fell off the bed trying to get down. I heard you flopping around on the floor and woke up. I went to pick you up and help you stand up and you couldn’t stand on your own. Your legs didn’t seem to work anymore. I tried a few more times and nothing. So I scooped you up and woke up Daniel. We both tried a few more times, but it wasn’t working. You weren’t crying or anything and didn’t seem in pain…you just couldn’t walk. You also couldn’t go outside/stand up to pee, so proceeded to go in the blanket I had you in and all over me. I got your doggie diaper out, put it on you, and decided we’d take you to the vet first thing in the morning.
We were there at 8 a.m. when they opened. The vet looked at you and felt a bunch of stuff around your back and didn’t think anything was broken. You have arthritis really bad and he thought the arthritis in your back took a hit and maybe pinched your back in a few places. He thought you might get better with some anti-inflammatory and pain meds and wanted to try that for a few days and let him know. He wasn’t sure if your legs/walking would ever come back. That was my first torrential downpour.
We took you home that Saturday and started your medications. We cuddled you all day and night. We had to go to the store to get diapers and other things for you, so we put you in your kennel with lots of blankets so you wouldn’t flop around the hardwoods. When we returned we found you pinned underneath the front bars of your cage with blood on your face, where you had tried to get out. You had a cut on one side of your face and it looked like a possible puncture on the other. That was my second torrential downpour. We cleaned and disinfected your face and looked up what to do online. It didn’t look bad enough to need stitches, so we decided to take you back to the vet on Monday if it didn’t improve.
Your legs and back seemed to be doing a little better with the meds the vet had given us. You were kicking some when lying down and seemed to be trying to walk the more we stood you up. Monday I noticed one of the wounds began to smell a bit. By Monday night it was pretty strong smelling and you were crying out in pain so I decided to take you to the vet first thing Tuesday morning.
When I arrived Tuesday morning the same technician who had helped us on Saturday came and took you from me and asked what was going on. I explained everything and authorized whatever needed to be done to be done. She took you back and said the doctor would examine you and call me. He called a bit later and said he wasn’t sure if the wound was a puncture from the bar or an abscessed tooth or what, but he didn’t want to put you to sleep to find out the condition you were in. He said you seemed worse off neurologically than when you were there before and your legs weren’t getting any better. He felt putting you to sleep was risky in your current state (and you’re also 15 so I always get nervous about that).
He asked if we had thought about future plans for you. Daniel and I had talked about if briefly…if you didn’t get your legs back we didn’t want you to have to live life like that…lying around everywhere….floppy headed….us having to hold your head up for you to eat and drink. That’s no kind of life. I told him that’s what we had discussed and asked him if that’s what he was referring to. He confirmed. I told him we’d be there shortly. He said we didn’t have to do it today, that we could keep you for a day or two, that he had you on good pain meds. But I didn’t want to just love and cry on a doped up zombie of my dog for two more days when I knew what was coming anyway. You had been through enough. Daniel and I went up there and the vet explained what was going to happen. They brought you out to us. We took you outside because it was sunny and you always loved the sun. We hugged you and whispered sweet things to you while he gave you the injection. Then he listened to your heart and told us you were gone.
I cried for days. I didn’t leave the house for a week. The hardest things are the routine things….taking you out to potty before we go somewhere….hearing you tap down the hall to meet me when I walk in the door……not seeing you curled up on the bed when I come home and walk in the bedroom. I see you everywhere – STILL. I am still unpacking things of yours and finding little mementos of you everywhere.
I know it’s going to be ok and I’m going to be ok. It just takes time. And we had each other for such a long time…longer than any other relationship. You outlasted them all, baby girl. I hope I gave you a good life. You were my everything, the love of my life. It’s been six months and it’s a little easier. I still think about you every day and no, I’m nowhere near ready for another dog so please stop asking (the peanut gallery).
I’ll see you again one day and I’ll make sure I bring Baxter. In the mean time have fun with TJ, Cody, Mikey, Teddy, Pepper, Perky and Scooter. I love you.