It’s been some time since I wrote. There’s no good reason or explanation….I just stopped writing. Life happens, ya know? I don’t beat myself up too much when I don’t write. I don’t want to be a writer for a living, so I don’t feel like I’m messing up everything when I don’t stick to a schedule.

I write when I get inspired or feel compelled to write. That happened today. Today was a cluster of unfortunate accidents. Let me back up a bit by saying that I’ve recently been growing my relationship with God and working through issues I’ve had for a very long time. I’m still very much broken, but healing more every day. And so very thankful for the light and the lessons I’m learning. Had today happened a year ago, I would have sat right down and had a very long, private pity party. But it happened and while I did have a small hiccup, I’m still unscathed. The events, you ask? Not big deals at all, but they just added up. Let me share…..

I broke my ankle nearly two weeks ago at work, just walking. Go me! So I’ve been in an inflatable air cast and somewhat immobile for the past few weeks. To say it’s slowly sucking the life out of me is an understatement. I am one who goes and does every weekend and many nights. It’s been quite painful staying in the house and mostly bedridden as I’m supposed to stay off it as much as possible.

This morning I hobbled to the bathroom and started the shower. After that, the toilet promptly stopped up as soon as I flushed (no, no foreign or crazy objects in there for those wondering). I quickly shut off the water to the toilet and checked the shower stall…it was rapidly filling with water. And it was a shower only, so very little depth compared to a tub. I shut it off, but it was too late. The water was seeping out the door onto the bathroom floor…and then out onto the master bedroom carpet..all of this on the 2nd floor. A few minutes later my husband came to see if I was running water. I told him I had just turned it off. Good, he said, because it was dripping from the ceiling below, in the den, onto the couch. SERIOUSLY? Yes, seriously. We called the plumber, the landlord, and work to let them know we would be late. I finally made it downstairs and saw the seams of the ceiling coming apart in the den. Woo hoo! Then another drip started in a different area of the ceiling. Drip, drip, stream, stream, then full on WATERFALL in the living room coming from the ceiling and bathroom above. Grabbing a bucket, we placed it on the floor in the living room. It lasted about 10 minutes and then tapered off to a drip again. What was that? Oh, just the toilet and shower emptying themselves for whatever reason…at that precise moment. WHOOSH! All the water that was standing in the toilet and shower on the 2nd floor was gone.

After that, the day just became a blur. I stayed calm and composed, but I could tell I was close to losing it. After an uber crazy day at work, I came home and took the air cast off for a rest only to find what looks like a bone sticking out of the side of my ankle. WHAT? Possible surgery? That was it…I lost it. I just broke down and cried. I had handled all I could handle today.

I’m writing this to ask for your help. I am a pretty independent chick – most anyone who knows me will tell you that. But I am not too proud to ask for help when needed. The air cast is going to be with me for some time to come and I’m trying very hard not to succumb to the darkness that I see lingering just below the surface. Thinking about possible construction-type work in our house during this already trying time is stressing me out. I haven’t been depressed in quite some time (thank God!), but I can see it reaching out for me…knowing that staying still, away from events and friends, is not good for me. I thrive on friends, interactions, and being a part of this beautiful city. So if you are so inclined, please send some good juju, prayers, love and light my way that I will prevail over this and that my flame stays bright. I feel like it’s slowly dying without oxygen and I’m caring less and less. I’m not asking for pity or praises either – that is not what this is about. Just please say a little prayer for me. I will overcome….I know this. It’s just hard to see the light sometimes.

Thank you in advance!

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11 Comments on Downward Spiral

  1. My response is going to be faith based, because that is what gets me through. I am often referred to as “The Silver Lining Girl”. Give me a situation that is a total TURD and I can find a silver lining. I heard something early in my Christian journey that is my go to phrase at the start of what I can tell is going to be a rough ride, and that is this “If everything is going right in your life then you need to ask yourself why the Devil isn’t interested in you.” So, it may seem that you are in the middle of a black hole of happiness and nothing is going right, but that is because there are so many things you are doing that are right.

    You know that there are so many women (including myself) who you inspire. Don’t deny it. There is nothing wrong with realizing you have a gift when you are using it for the right reasons. Everyone wants to be an overcomer and a victor but most want that without having to actually overcome anything.

    Yeah things suck right now and your flesh is going to complain and that is OK. Having faith doesn’t’ mean that everything is Unicorns and rainbows. (Don’t we wish it WAS!). Having faith means that you believe that if He brings you to it He will bring you through it. When you do get through this you will use this to further inspire others.

    Personal Story: While Brad and I were trying to have children babies were being born all around me. When my best friend popped out her third I told her, “Ok now you are just showing off.” I had no idea how my inability to have children was going to turn into something positive. What I discovered later was that Brad and I became an inspiration to others who were struggling because they saw how happy Brad and I were as a couple and now they knew that their happiness was not going to be based on wether or not they had a child. What ever the future held for them they could still have a life of abundant joy.

    So, remember that frustration does not mean that you lack faith. Frustration means that you realize you need someone to lean on besides yourself and that is ok. Lean into the waves and lean on Him.

    I hope that helps.

    Love you!
    Jenn 🙂

    • Thank you for your wonderful response. I took your advice to heart and it helped tremendously. I haven’t gotten through all of it yet, but so much better than I was. I love you to pieces and thank you for reminding me of this!

  3. Oh no! This makes my heart ache and I’m sending prayers and good energy your way, post haste! You’re a strong girl and I have no doubts you’ll weather this storm with your usual grace and good humor. Please let me know if you need ANYTHING! I’m happy to help and so is David. Oh, and Mali is available for cuddles if needed. Hang in there, sistah. This too shall pass.

    • Thank you for sharing Mali with me the other night. She did wonders for my spirit, as did all of you. I appreciate the energy and prayers more than you know. Love you!

  5. We are praying for you and you are in our thoughts. If you need anything at all, even just someone to drive you around or help you clean up. PLEASE let me know!

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