Earlier this year. Bourbon Street Karaoke bar in Irondale. My husband and I joined two of our friends for a night of fun after a Barons’ baseball game. We had a drink, sang some songs, and were having a great time. I get up and sang my heart out. I sat down and the friend’s husband starts talking about a guy across the bar who was saying things about me while I was singing. Mean things. Our friend was irate and wanted to go talk to him for saying negative things about me, his friend. I couldn’t process what was happening and before I knew it, I was gone. I left, got in my car, and drove home crying. I left my husband there, I left our friends there (they drove separate), and I didn’t care. I was mortified and upset. Why would someone say those things about me? Someone who doesn’t even know me and has never seen me, let alone MET me, before? Who does that at our age anymore? Why would he keep on mouthing off to the point of riling up our friend? Why would I let it affect me so much that I felt the need to rush out of there without a word to anyone? WHY?
Our friends brought my husband home and he calmed me down, but was quite upset that I just left. Understandably. But I was embarrassed and horrified. I was 11 all over again getting called “Scary Sherri.”
Fast forward to a month ago. Some friends invited us to Bourbon Street for a party. Of course I went…I LOVE karaoke. About an hour into it, he walked in. I had completely forgotten about him until he walked in and looked at me. He recognized me and I recognized him. He started whispering to all of his friends and they kept looking at me. Then he took a picture of me. WHAT? I desperately wanted to go say something to him, but Daniel asked that I not start anything. Because it would have been bad. He asked that I not let him affect my night and just have a good time. Too late. The longer he was there, the more he whispered and pointed and the angrier I got. Again, I got up and left without a word. I got into the car and waited for Daniel. I had to message our friends to apologize for the abrupt exit and explain what was going on. They were all very supportive.
I know bullying is an issue. I’ve known it for a long time, but didn’t think it really happened to people my age anymore. Apparently I was very wrong.
Now here’s my question to you: At my age (38) and my maturity level (so-so), how do I handle that if it happens again? I don’t want to stay away from Bourbon Street because I love karaoke. But I don’t ever want to see his face again. If I do, I might punch him…happily. I don’t know what to do. I obviously cannot ignore him, I wish I could. What should I do? What would you do in my situation? All feedback appreciated!
15 Comments on Leave me alone!
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I would say just don’t go back to that bar if you know there will be trouble. But that’s the advice I would give to stay safe from physical violence and legal troubles. But the moral side of me doesn’t like that as I view bullying as a low grade form of slavery and therefore evil.
First, know that this boy (I say “boy” intentionally) is a coward. He is insecure. If he has a legitimate problem with you, then he should be man enough to say it to you directly.
His motivation is to make himself seem more powerful in front of his friends. If they weren’t there to witness it, he probably wouldn’t say anything at all. Bullying is a form of social violence – it requires an audience so that the bully can create fear in the bullied and other bystanders.
Best response in my opinion:
Don’t do what he wants you to do. He wants you to run out of the place upset. Stand your ground and ignore him. Remember…he’s the weakling. A real man wouldn’t do such things.
Don’t show any sign of it bothering you. Fake it until you make it if you have to. From the description you gave, he sounds like what I call a psychic vampire. The more you react, the more it feeds him. Ignore him and he’ll starve and move on to something else.
IF…you choose to confront, be careful as things could escalate:
Does he sing karaoke? If not, when it’s time for you to sing, call him out in front of the entire bar for what he said/did about you. Mention how big of a man he is to make fun of a woman, but doesn’t have the balls to get up and sing a song. Emasculate him in front of the whole place. All eyes will be on his behavior the rest of the night.
Or if you see him pointing/whispering at you, with a smile motion him to come over to you and your friends (your territory where you have power). Tell him if he has something to say, then be a man and say it.
Or cut through all the BS and punch him in the face (joking…sort of).
If you confront, be careful and keep up awareness until you are in your vehicles and headed home. People like to start shit in the parking lot.
It’s your battle. You have to decide if it’s worth your effort or not.
Just remember, this punk is an insecure, cowardly little boy.
Good luck!
You are amazing. Thank you for the wonderful advice and suggestions. I think they are spot on. I will keep you posted if I run into him again, thing your advice can be applied to many uncomfortable situations. Thank you again!
I agree with Mr. YouGotRossed, on this one. Don’t be confrontational if you’re just going to yell and stomp your feet. It’s not a good way to solve problems unless you’re Mike Tyson (and even that is debatable). You’re giving him the satisfaction of knowing his meanness hurt your feelings, which makes him feel the power he wants by demeaning you.
Buuuuuuuut… That doesn’t mean you have to not confront the situation. If it was a passing thing I’d advise just to ignore it because, really, who cares? But since it’s ongoing, you can do something.
Do what you do best, Sherri: go chat the hell out of him. People are less mean when the veil of annoniminity is removed. Not that you’ll ever be his friend, but if you buy him a beer and sit down and act friendly, you’ll kill his bully buzz by showing him he’s not in control. If he thinks he is going to have to talk to someone (for hours!), next time he will be less keen to draw your attention. Be friendly to the point of annoying. Run him off. It’s like peeing on your territory with smiles.
If that’s too much, just acknowledge it. When he takes a picture, gather your crew and pose and get him to take another. When he points, mouth “Who? Me?” and wave and yell to the bartender to buy that man a drink. Have fun and be nice; make him be the jerk and you will get the whole bar on your side.
P.S. The Tune has offered the sage advice that when someone is pointing at you, there are three fingers of his own pointing back at him.
I love you both to pieces. Thank you for the wisdom and great advice. I will keep you posted.
oh man — Wade has the best advice ev.er. I love the image in my mind of his jaw dropping when you wave, smile and mouth “who? me?” and send a drink over his way!
The entire bar will love you for it, I’m sure!
I bet you are right! 😉 We shall see!!
I’m sorry you had to go through that. I love karaoke but only I’m environments where the crowd is supportive. I agree with the above commenter. If you can avoid punching him, confront him, perhaps with your husband.
Thank you so much. I agree that I will be dragging Daniel with me if I say something to him. 🙂 Hugs!!
I am sorry you had to deal with that. People can be so dumb sometimes. The best advice I could give you is to stand your ground. We can say not to let it bother you but it would bother anyone. I agree with the others, either confront him with kindness or tell him off. Do what feels right to you. I love you girl and you are amazing!
Thank you, sweet friend. 🙂
Man, I never knew this! I would walk right over to him and knee him in the nuts.
…But for real, I wouldn’t run away from the situation. He’s a child, but he feels more powerful when he “wins.” I agree with Wade – play it up! Smile, wave, dedicate a song to him. Make sure he knows that you’re onto him, and that you could give a flying fuck what he says about you. You’ve got this!
I agree with everyone’s advice here. Confronting someone like this is hard, but you should be able to go where you want, when you want, and feel free to have a good time without feeling harassed or bullied. It’s like the “we can’t let him win” mentality. So definitely try confronting him … but by killing him with kindness, as Wade suggested. Anyone who meets you can’t possibly not like you. Period. And if he doesn’t like you? It’s his own damn issues and insecurities manifesting themselves as hate toward others. I pity people like that. But I also don’t have to stand for it, and neither do you. Know that most people in this world would never dream of treating you like this! It’s the sad few who have to puff themselves up by putting others down.
This guy is an insecure douche. Personally, I wouldn’t even entertain the thought of wasting my time and energy approaching him because from the sounds of it, I don’t think he would respond positively to you entering his territory. Killing with kindness works in some instances, but in a karaoke bar where he is probably using liquid courage and surrounded by equally insecure friends egging him on, he may not respond kindly to your kindness. I say dust your feet of him, have a blast with your friends, and sing your heart out. If necessary, I am good friends with an undefeated MMA fighter who gets much pleasure out of shutting up people like this kid. You are awesome and loved by too many to let this creep get you down. Believe it.
Sherri Ross……You go back to Bourban Street Bar and sing your heart out. While your up there, drag him on stage with you. He is certainly not going to say anything while he is on stage. Face him with your head high and be proud of who you are. Once you do that, he will love you like everyone else that has ever met you does. It is a shame that people our age still act like they are in high school. We are all guilty of that at times. Don’t ever let anyone keep you from being the beatiful, bright and bubbly person you are. One thing to remember is this: If someone is trying to tear someone else down, they are covering up their own insecurities.