Rainy Days and Crazy Nights

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning in all the things I have to do or have going on. I know I’m not the only one, but the feeling gets old after a while. I’m overwhelmed, sleep deprived and emotional. I don’t think the holidays are helping. While they’re nice and festive, they just remind me of how broke I truly am these days.

I’m moving this weekend. I’m trying desperately to get the keys to the new place ahead of time and I was supposed to get them today so I can start moving boxes and bags of stuff over. I checked yesterday and now I am to “check in” with the office on Wednesday morning to see when I can get them. So, that is adding to my downward spiral. It’s nothing major..just another bump in the road that I didn’t think I would have to deal with. If this keeps up, I’ll be moving by myself on Friday. I am not feeling sorry for myself, but I really was hoping to get the keys early and enlist my man’s help before Friday to move stuff. He will be gone this weekend, so that kinda sucks too. I have a friend who is coming to help me on Saturday get some movers, but I’m not asking her to move anything herself. I just thought things would be better worked out and progressing nicely if I got the keys early. I may be able to get them tomorrow, so I need not worry just yet. It’s just that I thought I would have them today.

Since I am not getting them today, I took last night off from packing. I tried to get some sleep b/c I have been missing a lot lately due to the people and dog upstairs. No luck. Last night was spent lying awake in my bed listening to the ruckus of the dog and Bigfeet up there. Both of them. OMG, I’m so over this place. I am wondering if my tolerance is low b/c I know I’m moving soon. I’m just counting the days. But each day that I’m there it seems to get worse and it drives me even more crazy. I have a lot of anger built up. I know it’s useless and not healthy and I’m trying to let it go, but it’s going to take some seriously releasing.

My car is having issues. It’s out of alignment and last night, I noticed the door doing something strange. On top of trying to figure out HOW I’m going to pay for it to get fixed, I have to try and figure out WHEN I can take it in. I pretty much need it for work and for the move and have no idea when I can be without it. That is a pain my ass, also. I just want to say, “Screw it” and drive it the way it is, but people are advising against that b/c I have new tires. One more thing I have to try and get done before I leave.

I seem to be having a pity party these days between work, the holidays, the car, moving and trying to get ready for vacation. I am trying hard not to, but the holidays always get me down since my divorce. This is not how my life was supposed to be. This wasn’t what I had planned. I know that plans change and that it’s ok. I know that it works out for the better a lot of time, but it’s just hard seeing that right now. I was supposed to be married with kids by now. That’s how I feel anyway. Not because society dictates that or says that’s the way it should be…but because I wanted that. Well, at least still married. The kids part would come when the time was right.

I want to go home….for good. I feel like I’m in over my head with everything and I know it’s just a temporary feeling. I know that things don’t always stay the same and I won’t always feel like this. I know that in my head…but my heart is having a hard time believing that right now. Last week I felt on top of the world b/c I was getting out of that apartment and I was bypassing all the fees and felt like the universe was smiling on me. Then I had a crisis at work that totally got me all out of sorts and now this week is dark. I wish there was some consistency…some normalcy…some happiness for a good, long while. There are aspects of my life that are wonderful and have been for some time now. But when I’m having a rough time, it seems that I focus on only that.

I wish the move was over and I could sleep again. While I want to go back to Alabama and visit, I need that time off from work to get my life in order in the new apartment so I don’t come back to chaos (unpacked apartment). Yet, I want to go back to Alabama and just stay. Not worry about coming back. And going back to Alabama is not the answer to all my woes right now…it just seems like it. I want to retreat to the place that is most comforting to me, even though I’m doing good here. I still just want to go home.

A friend sent this to me today. I know it made me put things in perspective a bit more. Maybe it will help you too.

“You and I are essentially infinite choice-makers. In every moment of our existence, we are in that field of all possibilities where we have access to an infinity of choices.”
– Deepak Chopra: Doctor and mind/body/spirit author

It’s nice to be reminded of our choices. Sometimes you may feel as if you’re simply on a roller coaster, simply along for the ride, with little control. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. Right now, you’re choosing to read this. Then you can choose to work on a project, or get coffee, or talk to a friend. Or save a life, or improve your life, or simply give up. The choices are out there waiting for you to choose or refuse.